Local Man Faces Bureaucratic Nightmare: Ordered to Complete Every Missed Ballot Since 2018
Ever feel like procrastination is a harmless little game—until it’s ballot time, and suddenly it’s you versus a six-year avalanche of democracy? There’s Andrew Campbell, an everyman with the poker face of a DMV line survivor, staring into the abyss of ballots so old, he probably needed a carbon-dating kit just to authenticate his signature . I mean, if I had a dollar for every municipal referendum I blissfully ignored, I’d be sipping margaritas on a tax-exempt island right now. But no—here’s our hero, fumbling through judicial retention sheets, names that sound like indie bands, and a voting pen gasping its final, inky breaths… All for the sweet, sweet privilege of finally, maybe, participating in the 2026 midterms . And don’t even get me started about that fever dream of a world where your vote on the 2024 transit authority measure is still up for debate! So, when you’re thinking a little “I’ll do it next election” can’t possibly matter, remember: your future self, bleary-eyed and bruised, might just pay the bill—in government paperwork. Ready to laugh-cry with the rest of us? LEARN MORE
DENVER—Expressing frustration as poll workers handed him a large stack of election materials, local man Andrew Campbell was reportedly forced to fill out six years’ worth of back ballots Tuesday before he could vote in the 2026 midterms. “I guess I have a few races to catch up on,” said a visibly frazzled Campbell, attempting to parse through the substantial backlog of municipal referendums, Democratic primaries, and general elections for which he had previously neglected to make a selection. “At this rate, I’m going to be here for hours filling out all the bubbles. Who are these people? I don’t recognize a single candidate for city comptroller on any of these forms. Oh, ‘Hickenlooper’ sounds familiar. Let’s go with him for a bunch of answers. ‘No’ on the 2024 measure to allow the regional transport authority to retain and spend revenue, I guess. I think that’s what my opinion was back then. Shoot, this pen is already running out of ink. Wait, Trump or Harris? I could have sworn it was Biden.” At press time, sources confirmed Campbell was still voting on the pile of nearly 700 judicial retention decisions the following morning.
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