American Tourist’s Shocking Revelation: Where Have All the Legendary Fat Bastards Gone in Scotland?
Have you ever traveled halfway across the globe, binoculars in one hand and a nose for mischief in the other, just to be foiled by sheer mythological scarcity? Seriously, what’s a tourist got to do to spot Scotland’s legendary Fat Bastard these days—stake out every Subway franchise, or perhaps learn to decipher the cryptic migration patterns of bagpipe-wielding, flatulence-prone giants? I’m chuckling—and a little heartbroken—over American wanderer Ben Frachs’ wild-goose chase through Edinburgh, only to come up empty and (let’s be honest) more than a little bewildered. There’s something adorably relatable about expecting a fairytale encounter, only to leave with a camera roll filled with “a handful of regular bastards.” I mean, isn’t travel just one big search for the mythical, the magical…and the ever-elusive photographic trophy? Go ahead, dig into Ben’s hilariously forlorn quest, because honestly, wouldn’t you hate to leave Scotland without immortalizing a Fat Bastard of your own? LEARN MORE.
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sighing as he prepared to board a bus to the airport for his return flight home, American tourist Ben Frachs reported feeling disappointed Friday to be leaving Scotland without having seen a single Fat Bastard. “I can’t believe I didn’t spot one Fat Bastard the whole time I was here,” said Frachs, who claimed to have brought binoculars, a telephoto lens, and other specialized gear in hopes of snagging a picture of the Scottish legend known for its gargantuan size, crude manners, and storied flatulence. “According to the tale, this is exactly where Fat Bastards originate from, and you’re supposed to be able to spot them pretty easily at Subway franchises this time of year—unless, maybe this is when they migrate east to the sumo rings. I tried following the sound of bagpipes, but all I saw were a handful of regular bastards.” Upon reaching the airport, Frachs was overheard complaining that his connecting flight from London to the U.S. would not be aboard a shagadelic jumbo jet.
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