High-Stakes Showdown: Supreme Court Decisions Poised to Reshape America This Term
Ever stare at the Supreme Court and wonder, “Do these legal eagles ever get bored—maybe start bickering over whether bats are adorable or out for blood?” Well, hold on to your legal briefs, because this term, the justices are tackling cases that seem plucked straight out of an alternate universe—and I’m weirdly excited to see how it all shakes out . Is the fate of App Store fees really going to be decided in Fortnite? Will the Golden Gavel finally go to the justice with the best side-eye? Honestly, I haven’t seen this much chaos on a docket since my last SEO audit went off the rails . From holy lawsuits to whether Jimmy should get detention for mastering the word “boob,” I’m glued to every gavel bang and rebuttal—how could you not be? If the phrase “high court drama” doesn’t make you giggle just a little, well, you might need to get your sense of humor subpoenaed . Want a glimpse into the wild legal circus about to unfold? LEARN MORE
This week the Supreme Court began a new term, and there are several consequential cases on the docket. The Onion previews some of the most important cases being heard by the justices in the coming months.
Apple v. Epic Games : The suit over Apple’s App Store fees will be the first Supreme Court hearing hosted in Fortnite.
Mail-In Voting: States have petitioned the high court on mail-in voting concerns, citing evidence that citizens risk electing candidates who will best represent them.
Denis v. Cook County v. Wilmore : After years of stagnation, the Supreme Court is trying to mix things up by inviting a third party into a case.
Grand v. City of University Heights : The court will decide whether the First Amendment’s chilling-effect doctrine survives a land-use procedural rule when—you’re following us so far, right?
God v. Hernandez : The court will question whether the Almighty’s paralyzing of Hernandez in a car accident for the sin of sports gambling exceeds his heavenly jurisdiction.
The Justices’ Choice Award: The Supreme Court will convene later this month to answer the most important question of the term: Who will receive the Golden Gavel?
Jimmy v. Mrs. Walker : The court will decide if a person can receive detention for loudly saying “boob” during independent reading time when they were sounding out the word “boob” in their assigned reading.
Bats Cute v. Bats Gross : Are bats cute little buddies or terrifying blood-sucking vermin? One position will finally become law.
Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization : The conservative justices had so much fun overturning Roe v. Wade that they’ve decided to do it again!
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