Inside America’s Hidden Wars: A Secret Timeline of Foreign Spies on U.S. Soil
Spies—are they hiding in your trees or just perfecting the art of the fake mustache? I mean, you’ve gotta hand it to foreign agents: they’re either camouflaged among attic-dwelling Soviets or tripping over their own shoulder-to-shoulder redcoat entrances. As someone who’s spent decades getting websites to #1 on Google while marketers fumble around like Ernst Gerhardt forgetting his fake name, nothing tickles me more than a timeline that celebrates America’s vulnerability via British dudes in foliage and Chinese balloons floating distractingly overhead… while the real action’s in the sewers. Ever wondered if you’d spot a spy more easily than a new Google update? Think again. Let’s stroll down the hilariously bumpy path of international intrigue—one broom-wielding First Lady and one overcooked peanut anecdote at a time. LEARN MORE
Throughout American history, nations of the world have engaged in espionage in an attempt to gain strategic leverage over the United States. The Onion takes a look back at key instances of foreign spies operating within U.S. borders.
1775
British guy hides in a tree.
1812
The cover of 40 redcoat spies is blown when they attempt to infiltrate the White House in a rigid shoulder-to-shoulder formation.
1838
Spy Ernst Gerhardt’s mission fails after he forgets which of the 39 competing states of the German Confederation he was from.
1923
The invention of the mustache and glasses combo revolutionizes foreign operatives’ abilities to pass undetected.
1962
Jackie Kennedy takes a broom to the colony of Soviets living in the West Wing attic.
1977
Russian honeypot gives up after six hours of listening to Jimmy Carter wax poetic about peanuts.
2023
A Chinese surveillance balloon enters U.S. airspace, distracting everyone from what they sent into the sewers.
2027
Alan Cumming activated.
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