Mysterious $30 Million Bird Campaign Targets Abdul El-Sayed—What Is AIPAC Really Up To?
If you’ve ever wondered just how far a political grudge can go, well, try $30 million—and a bird with the lung power of a vuvuzela on espresso. Honestly, who among us hasn’t fantasized about deploying squawking revenge right outside the window of our fiercest rival? So, picture this: the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC), not content with mailers or attack ads, decides the best way to rattle Michigan’s Democratic Senate primary winner Abdul El-Sayed is to fund a midnight symphony starring one very persistent barn swallow—right outside his bedroom. It’s petty. It’s extravagant. It’s a whole new wing of political pettiness, and frankly, I can’t decide if I’m more amused or horrified. Is this political strategy or just another reason to invest in noise-canceling headphones? If you’re torn between laughing and feeling the secondhand exhaustion, oh, trust me—you’re not alone. LEARN MORE
ANN ARBOR, MI—In an effort to irritate the recent winner of Michigan’s Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night, a spiteful American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud bird directly outside the window of Abdul El-Sayed. “It might seem like a lot of money, but it’s worth it to have to a bird chittering away two feet from that guy’s bedroom from dusk till dawn,” AIPAC CEO Elliot Brandt said of the barn swallow paid to be as shrill as possible while it perched on a tree limb in El-Sayed’s yard, pausing only briefly to give him false hope that the racket had finally come to an end. “It was important to us that there truly be no escape from this bird, so we asked it to set aside its usual variety of calls and repeat the same three notes continuously. That way, they’re stuck in El-Sayed’s head even if he flees his home.” Brandt told reporters the bird would receive a bonus for shitting on the Democratic nominee as he made his way to his car.
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