The Secret History Behind America’s Most Controversial Weapons Deals
Picture this: a world where selling a musket to a cow is merely the humble beginning of a booming side hustle. Fast-forward a couple centuries, and the U.S. military-industrial complex is basically the Amazon Prime of global arms—expedited shipping, satisfaction sort of guaranteed. It’s bizarre, it’s larger-than-life, and it’s all true (kind of). Sometimes I wonder if defense contractors ever just sit down and think, “Did we peak when we invented the tactical banana peel?” Or maybe they’re too busy reading the fine print on those “for intended recipient use only” warning labels… So what’s the secret sauce behind America’s offbeat journey to becoming the world’s arms dealer-in-chief? Let’s take a wild, satirical ride down history’s slip-and-slide, one covert contract and unexpected drone discount at a time. Doesn’t that make you want to start your own Etsy shop—for retro grenade launchers? LEARN MORE
The U.S. military-industrial complex is the largest in the world, supplying arms to countries across the globe. The Onion takes a look at the history of U.S. arms sales.
1790
A farmer in Rhode Island becomes the first American to sell a musket to a cow.
1831
Jebediah Lockheed meets Silas Martin.
1942
Typewriter manufacturers convert their factories to rifle production, resulting in a severe typewriter shortage on the front lines.
1976
Following the Vietnam War, all U.S. arms sold are required to include a warning label reading “for intended recipient use only.”
1985
In a controversial move, the Reagan administration sells weapons to Iran to fund the president’s experimental one-man play.
1991
Uproar ensues following the discovery that tactical banana peels sold to Iraq years earlier were later used to subject American soldiers to humiliating pratfalls.
1997
General Atomics opens a factory store selling lower quality, made-for-outlet predator drones at a steep 80% discount.
2005
That Nic Cage movie Lord Of War comes out and is, you know, pretty good.
2012
Ruger opens an Etsy shop to sell bespoke, twee grenade launchers.
2022
Dr. Jill Biden attempts to rehome Commander with a nice Canadian couple.
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