USDA Shakes Things Up by Appointing Outspoken Chewing Critic to Influential Advisory Post
Ever find yourself wondering if chewing is actually just a government-backed scam to keep our dentists in business? No? Well, apparently someone has—and now he’s running the USDA’s new Advisory Panel on Chewing Practices . When I saw this news, I nearly choked—pun absolutely intended . We’re talking about Brad Holclaw, a self-proclaimed MAHA influencer (no, I don’t know what that stands for either, but it sounds dangerously close to “masticate” so maybe that’s the point), who’s made it his personal crusade to liberate Americans from the tyranny of teeth . If you’ve ever dreamed about one day swallowing an entire sandwich with the enthusiasm of a competitive hot dog eater but without the shame, your dream may be coming true—or it might just be your last meal . Intrigued? LEARN MORE.
WASHINGTON—In a move that has drawn widespread criticism from health experts across the country, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Tuesday that it had filled a key advisory role with a prominent chewing skeptic. “MAHA influencer Brad Holclaw has been a fierce opponent of the chewing-industrial complex, and we’re confident that he’ll work tirelessly to change American swallowing habits in his new position as chair of our Advisory Panel on Chewing Practices,” said Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins, adding that Holclaw’s appointment was intended to restore public trust in gulping down sandwiches in one go. “For too long, chewing food has wreaked havoc on Americans’ teeth and left their esophaguses too weak to force down a full grapefruit through peristalsis. But that ends today. Brad Holclaw is already helping us to develop revised childhood mastication guidelines, and soon Americans will finally be directed to swallow healthy, whole foods whole, which is the way our bodies were designed to nourish themselves.” Reached for comment, Rollins defended previous remarks made by Holclaw in which he suggested that choking could be treated with the antiparasitic medication ivermectin.
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