Why Disney’s Live-Action ‘Moana’ Could Change Everything—Here’s What You Haven’t Heard
What, exactly, does it say about our collective psyche that Disney feels the need to remake a film barely old enough to rent a car? Here we are—ten years after Moana first voyaged into our hearts, and now there’s a live-action version paddling its way onto the big screen. Is this progress, nostalgia gone haywire, or just a creative way to extract another $15 from our already nostalgia-battered wallets? If you thought Dwayne Johnson’s eyebrow was expressive in cartoon form, just wait until you see it wrestling with a five-second wig. So, you’ve probably got questions—why are fans clutching the original like it’s a limited-edition Funko Pop, and what does Lin-Manuel Miranda have to do with all this? Brace yourself: The Onion’s got answers that may—or may not—help you navigate the stormy waters of yet another Disney remake. Don’t worry, I’ve gathered everything you need to survive this cinematic high tide—trust me, it’s wilder than Maui’s tattoo sleeve. LEARN MORE
Disney’s live-action remake of Moana comes to theaters this weekend, a decade after the original animated film was released. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie.
Q: Who is the target audience?
A: Nostalgic 12-year-olds hoping to relive their childhood.
Q: Who is the villain?
A: The looming threat of a live-action Frozen.
Q: What was the process for transforming Dwayne Johnson into the character Maui?
A: A grueling, five-second wig application.
Q: How long is Moana?
A: It’s about the length of the movie Moana.
Q: Are there any new songs?
A: Lin-Manuel Miranda provided a new song called “Call Me Mr. Secretary (Put Me On The 10)” that was cut from Hamilton.
Q: Now that Disney’s created so many live-action remakes, what’s left?
A: Melody Time, that thing where Donald Duck learns about math, and the opening credits to Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
Q: Why are fans calling the original better?
A: They say Dwayne Johnson’s emotional range is best captured without his actual face.
Q: What did the film cost?
A: The beautiful, unsullied memory of the original.
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