Why Is Cornell Hiding Its Name?
Ever have one of those days where you spill coffee on your shirt, so you just decide you’re someone else? Now picture that—but instead of a stain, it’s a university-wide scandal, and instead of a new shirt, it’s a whole new name. Ah, wouldn’t it be nice if life worked like that? Cornell sure thinks so. When the going gets tough, the tough get a fresh batch of masking tape and start rebranding! I can’t decide if I’m more impressed by the rapid-fire PR gymnastics or baffled by how quickly a centuries-old institution can disguise itself with a strip of office supplies. Can a new name truly scrub away an old mess, or is a roll of tape just a band-aid on a gushing wound? Dive in with me and ponder if universities can outpace karma with a snappy name change—does anyone have a suggestion for what they should call themselves tomorrow? LEARN MORE.
ITHACA, NY—In an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastily announced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. “We determined that the best way forward was a clean start with total rebranding, and in the 90 minutes of its existence, the new Tompkins University has had an absolutely pristine record when it comes to handling sexual misconduct,” said university president Michael Kotlikoff, adding that the word “Cornell” had already been replaced throughout the school’s website and had been covered with strips of masking tape labeled “Tompkins” on all merchandise at the campus store. “Here at Tompkins University, we pride ourselves on taking every sexual assault allegation seriously and conducting investigations appropriately. Since its founding earlier today, Tompkins has proven that a superior education and a safe, responsive environment go hand in hand.” At press time, the new school had reportedly changed its name to Willingham University after the Tompkins 7 were named defendants in a sexual assault lawsuit.
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