Final Climate Report Unveils Stark Warnings—But Why Is This the Last One Ever?

Here’s a query for the ages: If a tree falls in the Amazon and there’s no one left to log it for firewood, did humanity even bother to read the final global warming report? I mean, let’s face it—“The Last-Ever Global Warming Report Released For Posterity” sure sounds like a memo from your apartment’s super, only the notice on the boiler is replaced with, oh, the fate of the planet. By the time you’re reading this, the only thing melting faster than the polar ice caps is our collective attention span. I can’t help but feel a tad nostalgic—remember when we’d ignore climate warnings and just order extra guac? Those were the days. So, why do we need another report…unless doom pairs well with Netflix and ice cream? Buckle in—this one’s for the scrapbooks or, more likely, the survivors huddled around an abnormally warm barrel fire. LEARN MORE