Lindsey Graham’s Shocking Last Wish: A Posthumous War Against Azerbaijan?
Ever wondered what happens when a lifetime of political hawkishness finally gets put in writing? Well—prepare to clutch your pearls—because the late Senator Lindsey Graham just set a blaze that’s bound to make history books (or at least very awkward family reunions) blush. I mean, let’s be honest . . . who pens a will and leaves out the family drama in favor of a scorched-earth campaign against Azerbaijan? Picture it: you’re expecting a diamond brooch or maybe a dusty antique, and—bam!—you’re suddenly drafted as an armchair general. There’s a part of me that gasped, then burst out laughing imagining those heirs, sipping iced tea, flipping through a document only to discover diagrams for invasion routes and a “just in case” note about Uzbekistan. Oh, the audacity! If you need a masterclass in leaving your mark, why not turn your last wishes into global chaos? The Onion takes us inside the most explosive send-off since Cleopatra—dust and ashes, with a side of international warfare. LEARN MORE.
WASHINGTON—Stipulating that the South Caucasus nation should be nothing but ash by the time it’s all over, the will of recently deceased Sen. Lindsey Graham orders his estate to start a war with Azerbaijan, sources confirmed Monday. “The entirety of the document consists of very specific battle plans for the scorched-earth military conquest of Azerbaijan and a clear directive that all persons named in the will immediately begin deploying troops to carry out these objectives,” said a person close to Graham’s family who spoke on the condition of anonymity about the two-pronged offensive the late lawmaker had meticulously diagrammed for a land invasion from neighboring Armenia and a naval bombardment from the Caspian Sea. “He died unmarried and with no heirs, but has dictated that his accumulated wealth be put toward the rapid manufacture of munitions to be used in the all-out assault. He did leave certain details of the campaign to his beneficiaries, with the caveat that all tactics employed ultimately contribute to wiping Azerbaijan off the map as quickly as possible.” The source added, however, that if Azerbaijan proves too difficult to obliterate, Graham’s will authorizes launching a war against Uzbekistan as a backup plan.
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