Why This Baseball Fan Was Furious Over a Home Run—And It Has Nothing to Do With the Game
Is there a sport on Earth more perfectly designed to sabotage your culinary ambitions than baseball? I’m convinced the concessions line is Major League Baseball’s secret rite of passage—a Sisyphean ordeal built to make you appreciate a cold hotdog with a side of melted-ice beer . Imagine surviving that labyrinth, only to have your hard-won bounty threatened by a rogue home run and 30,000 fans demanding a standing ovation. If you’ve ever tried to juggle a ketchup-drenched napkin, slippery fries, and a comically oversized beer while applauding, you know Mark Girma’s pain is all too real . Have we reached peak American when eating at the ballpark feels like competing on “Wipeout”? Or is it just the price you pay roaming the wild kingdom of stadium seating, where a game’s best moment is public enemy number one for your snack attack? Hungry for more disaster-class fan etiquette and heroic balancing acts? LEARN MORE.
KANSAS CITY, MO—Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, now?” said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a 25-minute concessions ordeal and was balancing a hot dog, a cup of fries, and a large beer on his lap when Kansas City Royals left fielder Isaac Collins launched a solo shot into the bleachers. “I thought I was safe—the guy’s hitting .240 with five homers all year. Figured it was a good time to eat. But now I look like an asshole because I’m the only one in the section who isn’t standing, and I’m trying to clap while clutching a napkin in my left hand, and the fries are sliding off my leg, and I got ketchup on my wrist, and I’m gripping the beer cup with my teeth. Oh, God, what a disaster. I fucking hate baseball.” At press time, Girma was reportedly quietly hoping for a double play so the inning would end and he could safely resume eating without risk of further chaos.
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