Astronaut Trainees Race to Shed Pounds for NASA’s Bizarre New Moonweight Test
Just when you think NASA couldn’t find a more creative way to drop the pounds, they go and launch an astronaut training program that makes your last juice cleanse look like a Vegas buffet. Here’s a question that’s been nagging at me—how far would you go for that fresh “moon bod”? Because, apparently, for a shot at walking on the lunar surface, shedding nearly all your earthly weight is now a thing. The latest mandate has would-be astronauts whittling down to a svelte 25 pounds, in the name of lunar prep, hospital beds standing by. Is this the new era of space travel, or has NASA finally opened its first government-funded spa? Strap in—this satirical gem weighs in on the most extreme zero-gravity crash diet known to mankind. LEARN MORE.
HOUSTON—Instituting the health mandate in order to ensure proper acclimation to the reduced gravity of Earth’s only natural satellite, NASA officials announced Wednesday that it would require astronauts in training to drop down to 25 pounds in order to simulate their weight on the moon. “We want to be as thorough as possible in our preparations, so forcing potential astronauts to continuously fast and exercise until they lose most of their body weight is now the first step in training,” said NASA’s flight operations director Grant Haywood, who explained that the lunar surface can be a challenge to navigate because a person weighs less there than they do on Earth, and having previously undergone a sudden and dramatic loss of weight can help ease that transition. “So far, of the 45 trainees who have participated in this new regimen, the three who have survived are some of the most well-prepared astronauts we’ve ever seen, and NASA hopes to send them on a lunar expedition as soon as they leave the hospital.” Haywood went on to state that these drastically slimmed-down astronauts were following in the footsteps of Neil Armstrong, who only weighed about nine pounds before his historic moonwalk.
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