Google Maps Unveils Surprising New Feature for Cyclists Recovering from Accidents
Have you ever had one of those days on your bike where you think, “Wow, my luck can’t possibly get any worse”—and then, just to prove you wrong, a truck decides to play curbside bowling with your femur? Well, get this: Google Maps—never one to shy away from innovation, or making us wonder if humanity’s truly peaked—just rolled out a feature that takes “getting you there” to a whole new (bloody, road-rashed) level. As someone who’s spent a lifetime watching tech giants leapfrog each other for our attention—and our data—I have to admit, I didn’t have “crawling directions for critically injured cyclists” on my 2024 product roadmap bingo card. Yet, here we are—navigating not just to restaurants or the fastest Starbucks drive-thru, but possibly the nearest patch of grass where we can contemplate our impending ghost-hood with some dignity. Is this what seamless UX looks like now? Apparently, the future isn’t about flying cars—it’s about low-altitude, ground-level navigation for those of us who just got a little too up-close with a Peterbilt. Curious (or morbidly fascinated)? LEARN MORE.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as yet another innovation to help every traveler get where they’re going, Google Maps on Thursday began offering crawling directions for cyclists who have been hit by a truck. “Whether you’ve been sideswiped by a tractor-trailer on a two-lane road or dragged through an intersection by a furniture delivery truck, you can now easily plot a course that fully accommodates your mangled body,” said lead product developer Jasmine Harper, adding that the app dynamically adjusts a user’s travel time according to the amount of blood they lose as they deliriously inch forward on their hands and knees. “When you select this feature, your map automatically highlights nearby hospitals you might plausibly reach before passing out. It also generates flat-terrain routes that steer clear of inclines you’ll never be able to drag yourself over with a broken pelvis and a forearm bone jutting out of your skin. Plus, you can avoid crawling on streets with heavy traffic to reduce your chances of being too low to be seen by motorists and getting run over a second time.” Harper went on to say that the new setting can also direct users to nearby parks and other green spaces in case they’d rather just find a peaceful place to lie down and die.
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