19 Secrets Kids Hide: What They Pretend to Understand but Actually Don’t

In the history of “calm down”, no one has ever calmed down, by being told to “calm down.” This goes for your child. When a child’s nervous system is overwhelmed, calming down may not feel like anything they can do.

“Calm down” tells children what adults want, but not how to get there. Calming is a learned skill.

Children may need help identifying their emotions, slowing their breathing, moving their bodies, taking space, receiving comfort, or feeling understood before they can think clearly again.

Instead of demanding calm, give them a chance to regulate, then help create more calm. You can say things like, “You’re having a hard time. I’m here.”

“Let’s take some slow breaths together.”
Over time, children can learn to use these tools independently. But they learn regulation first through calm, supportive adults.

Children hear “Be careful” all the time. But careful doing what? Should they walk more slowly? Hold on?

Watch where they are stepping? Move something away from the edge? Use two hands? General warnings may create worry without giving children useful information.

Specific coaching is clearer, “Hold the railing while you walk down the steps.”

“Carry the glass with two hands.”

“The rocks are slippery, so take slow steps.”

Children are more successful when they know what safe behavior looks like and often become fearful about trying new things when always worried that something might happen from hearing “be careful” too often.

Adults often say “Use common sense” when they believe the answer or appropriate behavior should be obvious.

But much of what adults call common sense is knowledge gained through years of experience, observation, mistakes, repetition, and being taught, something kids don’t have.

A child may not automatically know that wet shoes make a floor slippery, that placing a glass near the edge of a table makes it easier to knock over, or that leaving a wet towel on a bed will make the bedding damp.

Instead of criticizing children for not knowing what seems obvious to us, explain the connection, “Move your glass farther from the edge so it doesn’t get knocked over.”

Children are not born with common sense. They develop good judgment through guidance, experience, and practice.

Sometimes children truly do not know better.

Other times, they know the rule but cannot consistently apply it yet. A child may remember expectations during a calm moment but struggle when tired, hungry, excited, distracted, embarrassed, frustrated, or emotionally overwhelmed.

Knowing something and consistently doing it are two different developmental skills.
Instead of assuming defiance, ask, “What happened?”

“What made that difficult?”

“What can we do differently next time?”

Children often need reminders and repeated practice before knowledge becomes a dependable skill.

Many children interpret language literally depending on their age. Up to 5 or 6 years, children don’t truly know the difference between fantasy and reality. When adults use sarcasm, children may believe exactly what was said, even when the adult intended humor.

A parent might look at a messy room and say, “Wow, this room looks amazing.” An adult recognizes the sarcasm. A young child may feel confused or embarrassed. Even playful teasing can be misunderstood when children do not yet recognize tone, exaggeration, or hidden meaning.

Humor is valuable in families, but children should not have to wonder whether they are being laughed with or laughed at.

Children pay attention to much more than words. A parent may say: “I’m fine.” But their facial expression, tone of voice, body language, or silence communicates anger or frustration.

Children notice the mismatch but may not understand it. Some begin wondering whether they caused the problem or whether they can trust what they are being told.

Clear, age-appropriate honesty is often less stressful, “I’m feeling frustrated right now, but it isn’t your responsibility to fix it. I need a few minutes to calm down.” When our words and behavior match, children feel more secure.

When children say, “That’s not fair,” adults often respond, “Life isn’t fair.”
While that may be true, fairness may not be what the child is really trying to communicate.

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