Why Is This Pumpkin Still on the Porch? A Gourd’s Tale of Uncarved Guilt
Ever wondered what goes on inside the head of an uncarved pumpkin a week after Halloween? I have . I mean, does it sit there sweating in existential dread, quietly envying the fate of its ghoulishly grinning buddies—knowing it somehow “survived” the serrated massacre, only to be left questioning its own squash-based significance? Let’s face it, if pumpkins had therapists, this one would be paying by the hour just to process the guilt . In a world where the bravest veggies get hollowed out and lit from within, is being left whole a blessing… or maybe, the cruelest twist of all? Dive in for a twisted tale of survivor’s guilt, missed opportunities, and the cold, lonely fate that awaits even the luckiest pumpkins. LEARN MORE
RALEIGH, NC—Racked with shame as it contemplated the fact that it remained unscathed nearly a week after Halloween, a local pumpkin confirmed Friday that it was struggling with survivor’s guilt. “Of all the pumpkins that were murdered and mutilated, why was I the only one spared?” said the pumpkin, lamenting the cruel randomness that had left it unharmed while far worthier pumpkins suffered slow, horrible deaths. “They’re all gone, and I’m still here, and there’s no reason for any of it, no reason that serrated knife couldn’t have been cutting through my rind too. But here I am, and I just don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe I don’t deserve to do anything. The time for doing something was before, when the killers were taping down the carving stencils, when maybe I could’ve helped my friends. But I can’t now. There’s nothing left but this miserable unearned life that will do nothing but torture me for as long as it lasts.” At press time, the pumpkin had reportedly felt some of its burden lifted as it was chucked into the gutter to rot.
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