Divorced Men Reveal Shocking Red Flags They Ignored Before Their Marriages Crumbled
I’ve been over it and over it. I did everything the best I could. Even after she cheated, I asked we go to therapy together but she refused.
It’s been almost 10 years. Nothing comes close to what it felt like to be married, to have someone who needed me, who desired me, who I could be vulnerable to, who I could bare my heart to and tell them how much I loved them, who I could share experiences with. Nothing can touch it. And I doubt I’ll ever have that again. Even if I do, I doubt I’ll ever trust it like I did.
I wish she’d have just k****d me or something. That’d be a mercy at least.
What I’d tell someone LIKE me? It never gets better. You get better. Better at handling it. But it stays the same. Be ready for that reality.
What you think is love is just codependency and unaddressed trauma on both sides. Don’t give up your youth and future for this woman who only takes from you.
Fight to impose your limits. Do no allow her to take advantage of your feeling of powerlessness to be a ticket for her to slowly pull further away. Her a*******n to p**n is a problem too.
She’ll claim the s*x therapists you found were too expensive, and that she can’t pay for half of that – just choose one therapist and pay for the whole thing yourself, even if she complains.
Believe that you deserve better, because you are trying. Forget what that campus therapist told you about your depression just being “part of the course” for a PhD student, and find yourself a therapist willing to see you from your own point of view.
Finally, when her ex warns you about her tendency to “suddenly change”, take it more seriously. It’s nice of you to judge her through your own experience, but in this case, he was right. Your instincts were right, too – you kept hoping she would one day allow herself to be herself fully, but unfortunately that did not include you.
Id tell myself to stand up for myself and stop accepting her a***e. Id tell myself that it wont get better just because I put up with more and more.
“Men of Reddit who felt blindsided by divorce: looking back, what would you tell your married self?”
Here’s what I would tell my married self at that time:
“Don’t trust her. She’s going to have you sign the house over to her so that you can get the house off your credit report to make it easier to buy your truck. Stay on the title if you do sign the loan over to her. Make sure you get your share. Her plan is to leave you and leave you with nothing and marry another man shes been hiding in the background. The signs are there, but you ignore them because you’re too busy working and building the house up. One more thing……she’s taking the dogs too. Its going to rip your heart to shreds, so be prepared.”.
Wasn’t blindsided but if you have to keep telling yourself “would you rather be right or would you rather be married?” This is your sign to leave now. Especially before you have kids.
Our conversations revolved around either what she perceived as *my anxiety* or things she wished I did her way around the house, which I would then do my best to change each time we talked. But, then the goalposts would move to something else.
If I was able to go back and talk to myself about what was actually going on, I would say “those are her excuses, she wants a divorce, and is pushing you away. ” If I had started letting her go, like WAY early on, it would have saved me a LOT of anguish.
The moment she started getting really emphatically into being supportive and radical about LGBT and trans issues is the moment I should have realized that she had decided she was gay, and was moving on from me. Even though, to this day, she has never admitted this to me. I’ve only learned it through the grapevine.
That sometimes for whatever reason your wife might leave. She might not be committed to you or the marriage. Even if you do everything right she might leave on a whim. Even though you tried your hardest and she didn’t, realize that she is the problem and not you. Give yourself some time to mourn and then move on as quickly as possible. Find someone who loves you for you and is willing to commit to you and marriage.
If you’re a Ph.D, do not marry a high school dropout even if you both came from similar social class strata. Do not invite her and her kid to move in with you six months into the relationship to keep them from having to move in with their aunts. Do not knee-jerk believe what she says about what her ex-husband has said and done. You may be dealing with a con person just looking for paid rent and pretending to care about you.
She’s eventually going to grow bored with you, resent the H**l out of the fact you rescued her and are helping pay for her kid’s upkeep. She will find an illiterate ex-con m**h dealer to have her affair with and you’ll have a broken heart and seven lost years of your life.
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