Divorced Men Reveal Shocking Red Flags They Ignored Before Their Marriages Crumbled
I dont know how it will all turn out, especially given how hurt and alone my partner has felt while I have knowingly and unknowingly been doing things that have sabotaged our relationship. She has said it has gone on long enough that we feel more like roommates now, and she’s staying together for the kids more than anything. She complains I am not the man she married, and I would have to agree with her as I shouldn’t be, I should be constantly changing and growing and improving. However, this doesnt necessarily mean I am changing for the better as not all growth can be in the right direction, and one of the best things I can do is be mindful about it, try to change or influence what I can and be able to rekindle something here, hopefully for thr better.
All I know is I have to keep going, to keep moving forwards, to keep fighting against myself and my previous actions and try to help and improve myself and my family. My kids may have to be at the center of this most of all, because I am a bit worried I will/have passed many of these traits onto them, and if I can’t figure out how this works in myself, how am I going to be able to help them when they need help here.
If you’re blindsided it’s because you weren’t noticing what was happening in your home. When someone tells you there’s a problem, believe them.
Do more (and do it earlier) to try to help, support, and encourage her to get professional treatment for her mental health.
Just be honest with her and get the help you need (I gave away my marriage by hiding my a*******n).
Is 100% ok to end his marriage 3 months after tie the knots. Is your life for God sake.
Also you are not that bad. Marriage is hard and you are trying your best (and she is not as perfect as you think).
I missed so many signs, the little ones, I was just unaware. I think I wanted to be unaware. Because awareness felt like it would be too painful.
Signs like:
1. She was a professional athlete
2. She rode a motorbike.
3. She had never had a boyfriend before me
4. She never wanted s*x
5. She was a physical education teacher
So yeah… she came out as gay, I was blindsided, but not completely.
I would tell myself to read the signs. Don’t ignore them; address them straight away.
I would ask myself “do you still want to be married to her?”. If yes, change what you’re doing. If no, keep doing what you’re doing.
If I answered “no”, I would inform myself that being divorced is going to be much harder than you think in ways you don’t understand.
We were in couple’s therapy for 4 months so it wasn’t a total surprise but at some point she checked out. I still see our couple’s therapist and the therapist says she was never really engaged, so who knows… My divorce lawyer said something great; that when men want to get divorced they want to f*** someone else, and when women get divorced they have already mourned the relationship and moved on.
My answer to wanting to stay married would have probably been “no” but I will always try to find a way to make something work, until the game ends. And she ended it with signing divorce papers without me knowing, taking half the money out of the bank (as she was entitled to), hiring two lawyers and trying to sell the house and move the kids’ school district.
In many, many ways, we had a reverse traditional relationship. I did most things at home. She made most of the money. Or at least she was making most of the money at the end, so it was probably an easier decision for her to leave. That also hadn’t occurred as much to me because I did the majority around the house. She never cleaned, mowed, raked, shoveled snow, paid a bill, took out the trash, got the mail, did laundry, filed taxes, washed her car, swung a hammer, never planned a date for us, etc… She was a great cook, but didn’t cook much, and I would have washed every dish. I know that might sound like hyperbole, but it was 12 years into our marriage before she asked me how to turn the vacuum on. The way any living situation works is chores fall to the person who has the least tolerance for them not being done, and I always had the least tolerance. H**l, the reason I guessed she was divorcing me that day was she offered to take the kids to school, which was so out of the norm I knew something was up. But she was/is a fun, charismatic person and there are many, many reasons to like her. And despite whatever she enjoyed of me and my effort to make her living situation easier, there are always many, many reasons to not like someone, such as myself.
But one of the multiple truths are, while I continued to put in that effort around the house, I always put that same amount of effort in with her, and I stopped about a year before she divorced me. I got frustrated with her. Selfish and unselfish reasons, some reasonable, some not, but it was core differences over time and under pressure and she broke. She made 75-80% of the money by this point and so it was probably an easier financial decision for her to leave and that is a big practical plus at the decision point. Probably first or second in line with having a different significant other lined up, which neither of us did.
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