Divorced Men Reveal Shocking Red Flags They Ignored Before Their Marriages Crumbled
Edit*: typo.
My ex and I met young. We both grew up and grew different goals, views and paths in life that just didn’t mutually track for a continuum of the relationship.
You can put in the effort on both ends to keep things going but you can’t ignore that two people are still their own persons and not everything will be eye to eye. As long as you understand their happiness and reaching their goals matters just as much as you reaching a potential you have wanted then the end is really just a new beginning for each of you and that’s ok.
It takes years to get past and never really stops hurting but you can’t dwell on what could have been when that means one person compromising on themselves.
To my younger + early married self: There were subtle signs during the dating period & in marriage that you chose to ignore. Now they’re going to rear its ugly head. That’s okay though, your belief in a true lifetime romantic partnership has actually gotten stronger from your experience. Also from this experience, your strongest inner beliefs that run deep into your soul haven’t wavered and that’s how you know it will be okay.
There’s a song by Yellowcard that I heard and knew that it was speaking to me but I didn’t listen. It went:
> I heard a voice last night
> It said “Wake up and open your eyes.
> Wake up, walk out tonight.
> Cause she don’t care if you’re d**d or alive.”.
You tried your best but it was pretty obvious from the start we had different reasons for being married.
When she wasn’t willing to do marriage counseling or choose you over her hobbies it becomes pretty obvious that things are going to change.
Stop sacrificing your health to please someone who doesn’t care about you. You deserve to be loved and cared for too.
Work less overtime and look into how she’s spending the money
I know you don’t want to believe it, but she’s obviously cheating on you.
Don’t give away the house for the kids because they end up coming to live with you in your rented house.
While married:
Take responsibility for the things you do, learn from your mistakes, go to therapy so you can vent and gain a new perspective. Take charge of the finances and speak directly to put an end to the resentment.
At the time of separation/divorce:
Don’t waste your time crying for that week. You weren’t happy before and she never stopped taking advantage of you from day one. Break off your finances immediately and push for the divorce to be finalized soon as possible.
Don’t fight it. Just go straight to divorce. Spent 3 years trying to salvage the relationship, and it was a doomed effort.
How you feel in the beginning is how you’ll always feel. You can’t fix people, you can only try to show them a better way.
I was absolutely destroyed when my wife told me she didn’t love me any more. Fought for every strand of a chance to make it work.
I’m hindsight, I was wrong. I’d been fighting for years and I’d just not seen it.
I’d tell my married self, and all the married selves, to really take the time and make the effort to check in with each other and talk about your values, your wants, and where you see your future. And when you begin to notice there’s disparity, don’t just presume one will go along with the other or it’ll all work out. An unaddressed hairline fracture is tomorrow’s unrepairable fissure.
And lastly I would say to value yourself. Relationships and love are worth fighting for, they’re worth compromising for, but they shouldn’t mean your erasure. Ask yourself what you’re really getting over and above just “being with them” and if the answer is nothing or very little at all, then that’s a dynamic that needs some real examination.
Wasn’t married, just long term relationship that ended with me walking in on her and her now husband.
Highly, highly recommend the book “the 7 principles of marriage work”
Not only did it help me understand how to treat the next relationship I am in with actual knowledge of what to do in rough patches, it helped me identify some of the issues I had myself that affected all sorts of relationships besides just it being about marriage.
If you feel alone and lonely inside your marriage and your spouse doesn’t care, won’t work with you to improve that, or recognize that as an existential risk to the relationship, they don’t care about the relationship, just what they can get out of it and you.
Ya can’t change a BPD partner who is in denial of their condition and who is enmeshed with their NPD mother.
No one can.
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