Divorced Men Reveal Shocking Red Flags They Ignored Before Their Marriages Crumbled
Another question is how hard to do want to break your kids’ hearts. That was the hardest day of my life. I will never forget their howls. Doesn’t mean you can’t love them and have them still feel loved, and there are reasons to have healthier single relationships than an unhealthy marriage but it needs to be considered, heavily. (not asked here, but I am answering unsolicited to your previous post about IVF. 1 and 2 for us were successful. 3 and 4 we donated to science. my reasoning was i was never short on love, because I could have 20 kids and loved them all dearly. But I was short on all other resources; time, effort, patience, maybe money depending on that 3rd kid and how much it changes your life, etc…) Back to the task at hand…
I will say there hasn’t been one night I wish she was still in my bed. I have an even stronger relationship with my children than I did before the divorce because that time is more focused and I take none of it for granted. During the time I don’t have them, 50% of that time is normal, 30% of that time is awesome (fewer obligations) and 20% is soul crushingly lonely.
To finish your question, I would tell myself, in my perpetual planning, to be ready to be more adaptive. Be ready to make new plans, and fast, and be ready to learn to try to be OK with not knowing how things will turn out, you’ve (meaning I) been wrong before, and it might be how you got here in the first place.
The last thing I would tell myself, that would fall on my deaf ears is to try and have more grace for where she (ex) was coming from. She was scared. She was hurt. She was doing what her lawyers told her to do. If I could have tried to focus on that, I could have saved myself about 8 months of terrifying anger from reading her lawyers awful, awful, letters. I wish I could have known it was going to be alright, but god almighty, it did not feel like that at the time. I also learned that John Grisham did lawyers a lot of favors… they aren’t that smart.
If your question is rooted in personal context, I wish you and your family the best outcome. If rooted in interest only, I thank you for giving those of us who commented or read comments, space for catharsis.
If she lies to your couples therapist in front of you about her drinking… she’s got major substance a***e issues and the writing is on the wall. She’s lying about more than you can imagine. The sooner you distance yourself and the sooner you remove any trust you have in her the quicker you can move on and mourn the life you were told you were going to have together.
If someone tells you they have BPD (Not Bipolar though I mean…) and they’ve been fine up to now and you wanna be polite and understanding and say it’s not a problem. Start making plans to distance yourself now, do not develop further relationships, it’s a ticking time b**b and it WILL blow up at some point.
I think in a marriage, if you are afraid to tell your wife something, you mustn’t do it. Only in this way can one avoid getting divorced.
Often times things can be fixed. Take a moment to think of the root issue. There will be a time they are exhausted and dont want to fix anything, big or small. There will be time YOU don’t want to fix anything, big or small. If you let these overlap while you are both exhausted, both of you will be cheated out of a functioning marriage purely from bluffing and holding ground that doesn’t need held.
Some things aren’t worth fixing, you will know if you’ve found yourself in that situation. But always take a moment to say the problem out loud. Did it start over laundry? Cooking? A mess? A broken item? Just daily yelling over b******t? Fix it.
You cannot outwork or sacrifice enough for someone who is committed to misunderstanding you.
I think maybe, just maybe, if I would have called that out early, we might have had a chance. Twenty-five years gone in a p**f. Virtually all of our joint friends have migrated back to me after initially siding with her, which is only a small comfort, but it’s something.
Once you identify that things aren’t right either actively work to fix it or end it. Don’t just settle for the new normal because it’s convenient. Once she has what she feels she needs to be able to move on she will regardless of what value you think you bring.
I have been through a divorce and my little cousin is going through one now. He called me for advice as we both felt blindsided (like, things are going badly due to these outside influences [moving, taking care of d****g parents, economic collapse, whatever] but we love one another and are giving our all to this relationship and our kids and one day the sun will shine again)
And what I told him is, “a woman has divorced you 5 months before she tells you she divorced you. There’s nothing left to chase, she’s just letting you know.”
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